Back from the dead

SO here i am... again. this is weird. if you knew me way back when, you might remember i used to write religiously for my family blog, the collins clan. 758 posts worth. and then after 6 years i stopped, abruptly.

everything went to crap.

years have past. things have changed. i have changed. i decided to get back out there because really, we all need to tell our story in some way. years of retreating and pressing into God have allowed the wounds to start healing. sure, the pain hasn't quite subsided (it may never), but i feel like it's time again. the world isn't going to wait for scabs to turn to scars. the world needs some light, and it needs some light now!

so who am i now that i'm back from the dead?

i wrestle with this question more often than not. not because i am faced with an identity crisis, but because i struggle with romanticizing the past. it's always been my downfall. contentment was always just a smidge away from the next-best-thing or the last-great-thing. i don't want to be who i was. that is in the past. that person was blind. that person was striving, proud, and ultimately, pretty empty.

...

the hubs and i recently finished a 14 week course in biblical counseling at Harvest Christian Fellowship. it was through those grueling months i learned more about myself than i ever wanted. i learned we can never trust ourselves. even our most meaningful, heartfelt words can't stand a chance against what's really brewing inside our hearts. [Jeremiah 17:9]

remember Peter? the disciple who denied Jesus during his darkest hour? yeh that's me. i could say with my lips, "i will never deny you, Lord," and the next thing i know (slowly but surely) i have chosen to habitually live in a way that completely denies God.

just the other day i heard a sermon explain it like this: it wasn't that Peter didn't mean what he said when he promised, "i will never deny you, Lord." it wasn't that he wanted to deny Christ, it was simply that he did not fully know himself. he didn't truly understand the wickedness within him. he couldn't quite comprehend that he was weak in and of himself. however, when he came to terms with his failure (his denial of Christ), he was actually able to say: okay then, i get it. i am nothing without you Lord. i am made of dust, but God you are my strength, you are my rock, have your way in me.

so friends, here i am. alive. with full sight. and let me tell you, wisdom is better than gold. those 758 posts may have been written with good intention, i mean how can we ever see our own depravity if we are blind to it? how can we know what we do not know? i like peter stood tall, superior to the rest, "i will never deny you, Lord." yup, i chose my own ability every time. i chose self-confidence/pride every time. i chose people's opinions every time. in the end i chose to fear man instead of God. i cursed Him and fell hard. hence the pain, the repercussions of my choices.

i was sifted and tried and i belly-flopped like Peter. but now i get it. in my weakness, i am greater because He can be made strong. when i can see my own depravity, my brokenness, my susceptibility to fail, THEN and only then can God use me. because then He is honored,  He is glorified, not me.

i am but dust.