let’s get this straight, i love cheery, happy things. colorful skies, warm hugs, big smiles, ranunculuses bunched in a pretty vase. im a searching-for-beauty kinda gal. most days.
that's why i struggle with writing this, sharing this. but i also love authenticity!
and i feel compelled to be vulnerable here, vulnerable enough to tell my story.
my life is messy. i’ve wrestled with bouts of anxiety and depression over the years. i don’t always know where it comes from, but when it does come i can physically feel it forming in my chest, on my shoulders. like impending doom or feelings of hopelessness that consume my thoughts… going through a divorce merely took it to new levels.
CS Lewis got it right when he said,
“...divorce is something like cutting up a body, as a kind of surgical operation. Some think the operation so violent that it cannot be done at all; others admit it as a desperate remedy in extreme cases. They are all agreed that it is more like having both your legs cut off than it is like dissolving a business partnership or even deserting a regiment (p.105).” Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
it’s true. divorce has a way of ripping apart your entire identity. there is so much deception woven into the decision of splitting up with your spouse forever. the costs are almost never counted accurately which makes the procedure almost never worth it.
at that time, there was so much i wanted to tell friends, but as my life continued on that downward spiral, my knee jerk reaction was isolation. so i closed my curtains and went into hiding. after all, who wants Debbie Downer hanging around? there was so much rubble to sift through. my life would never be packaged as pretty.
whenever fear is present the mind has this way of rabbit-holing into hopelessness and despair. and those times we get stuck, we are helpless.
i would find myself in bed in the middle of the day thrashing and sobbing. like an irrational child, i would beg to go back, to rewind my life to a time before the lies had ravaged my household.
i was stuck in grief.
i was living in the past.
i couldn’t stop the “my-life-will-never-be-better-than-this” monster.
and my new marriage?
well that was just a total sham. a means to numb the pain.
this whole new blended family thing was never going to work.
no one will ever accept us.
i should just leave.
thankfully, i could still hear my Jesus.
even through the mental fog and the emotional distortion i could hear him telling me to
look up and to move forward.
so what did i do?
i stayed put in my miserable, but familiar "rabbit-hole."
better days would come and go, but the overall darkness remained.
depression remained.
guilt remained.
shame remained.
anxiety remained.
for 2 long years, i remained stubborn.
we all know we can’t wish or hope the past away and yet we allow our minds to go back there, stay there, get stuck there. psychologists will tell you to keep a journal and log your negative thoughts. when you find yourself thinking negative, replace them with positive.
funny, because that is all perfectly good and true… and perfectly ripped off from the bible.
Philippians 3:13 “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead.”
Philippians 4:8 ““Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things and the God of peace will be with you.”
so you see, we are commanded to keep our thoughts fixated on what is ahead and to focus our minds on what is true, noble, right, pure, etc. simply for the sake of our mental/emotional well-being. and for the sake of spiritual growth. so anytime we aren’t doing this, our brain has a tendency to go back to "rabbit-hole" mode. and that mode, when left unchecked, will leave us anxious and depressed every time.
this season is new for me.
cuz im finally doing it.
relenting.
im replacing my thoughts with His word.
cuz thoughts affect feelings and
feelings influence behavior/attitude .
you wanna know what?
im not flailing through the hard days so much.
i am finally taking these blended family, step parenting, custody struggles in stride, with patience.
with less resistance and more reliance.
which produces joy, which replaces sorrow
and there is a new peace with what is.
it feels so awkward and not like me.
i love it though.
it’s the only reason i am back to writing.
the Lord has renewed my passion and He has given me a new purpose.
He is faithfully mending the avenues of my heart. as i keep pushing through the uneasiness of the healing process, He is showing me what really matters in this short life.
Him. and Him being known.
He is our living hope.... our only hope.
no one ever said relenting was easy or fun, it's scary for sure.
but once you do, you’ll wonder what took you so long.
look up and move forward.
hope and peace are here.
so are colorful skies.
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